It feels so sad and surreal to be sitting on the bed of my
room, all alone, when only 24 hours ago, I was sharing this space with a
connected soul whom I believe I have sadly fallen in love with. I have spent
the past week, exactly, with this amazing man, practically every waking moment,
and enjoyed each as pure bliss and taking each one in fully, making the most of
something that fits so well yet ironically, is the most temporary thing I have
ever come across in my entire life.
How does that work?
The whole situation is so ironic, as being one who has
always either had early fails, or a bad view on meeting people online, I came
across Jan’s ad on Gumtree in the community pages, whilst searching for local
art groups and tree plantings, a rare occurrence that I tend to venture to when
I have a dull weekend. I hesitated but thought, what the heck, he sounded so
interesting, I may as well continue trying to make friends in this insane town.
And a friend I did make . . . we caught up for a beer and 5 hours later left
feeling very proud of myself, and also somewhat attracted. We spent much time
together before he left again, to continue his travels around Australia, this
time heading to the outback. I was quite saddened at him leaving, but after keeping
in continuous contact, we met again, further down the coast, and thus once
again came to this sad conclusion, the heartbreaking of seeing a loved one go.
And there is that fleeting thought that I could be
forgotten, or that we simply may never get the chance to see each other again.
Whilst such a short experience, I found it so intense and so very real and one
of the most enjoyable experiences I have ever had. It brings forth the quote”
“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have
loved at all”.
But this experience has also sparked something new in me. No
not quite new, but rather a refreshed desire. And now, it has given my desire a
kick, like I simply have the catalyst to get it into motion with more
enthusiasm and passion as opposed to every other time it has crossed my mind .
. .
Travel.
I have wanted to journey areas of Europe and see the sights
and sounds of a lush landscape brimming with history for years now, castles,
museums, stunning architecture, etc. Places that have an atmosphere, cultures
with depth. And whilst it has always crossed my mind, even when I get ideas and
decide to take the task on of saving and preparing for a trip . . . it always
seems to disappear, I get distracted by something else that is perhaps worthy
of my time and money. The overseas travel gets pushed aside for interstate
travel instead, which I have now fulfilled enough I do believe. Time for a
completely new horizon, and now, I have the excuse of a friend/acquaintance to
aid me in parts of my travel (he reigns from Germany), as I have done for him.
There is also that underlying fear of, as mentioned earlier,
being forgotten. Of our relationship, which is only possible as friends,
really, falling through by the time I get over there. He could have a wife and
3 kids by the time I get there, which is pretty unlikely, but would mean an
awkward situation of meeting up again when he has a new lover by his side who
may know of the past.
Who knows what could happen, really? But I also think that
whilst Jan is now a great catalyst to get my arse into gear, I cannot rely on
him for my happiness. I am not doing it solely for the purpose of him. It would appear even more stupid, as once
again, after another meeting with him, we will swap places and it will be I who
will be leaving to continue on in life elsewhere, and we will both be left
heartbroken once again. A long term
possibility could never be on the cards, as I cannot see the point in moving to
the other side of the world for one person, when you leave hundreds of family
and friends behind . . .
